12/10/2021 Sometimes The Bear Eats You

Who is Chris? I ask myself this question a lot these days. Somewhere along the way I have lost the soulful connection to myself. I feel as though I'm just going through the motions faking it until I stumble upon what feelings I remember are the essential parts of me. From what I recall, I am extremely fact most things are funny! The radius of my smile can hold everyone in love and acceptance. The feelings associated with this state of being are a lightness that my body if I can take off and fly. I miss feeling that way. I miss my power. There was a time not too long ago when I was fearless in love and life. I mean I got scared about a lot of things but I was more interested in feeling those feelings and proceeding anyways than giving in to them. With music I've had conversations with someone as I was playing where we just looked at each other for the entirety of a song. It was a shared space with no ulterior motive. Sometimes there were tears, sometimes, laughter, sometimes longing. By the end of that moment it was as if I knew them better than some people who had been in my life for years. Damn I miss that intimacy. I'm thinking about a young woman I met in Colorado while playing in Boulder. We just looked at each other for several minutes. Something about that moment changed my life. I started longing for deeper connection while playing......deeper connection to others and myself. In order to do this, I started taking more risks musically, and with others. I made it a point to look at everyone with a smile and presence even if I was scared. While I still do these things, there's something blocking me from a deeper dive with others and seems to be some story that is cloaking my heart keeping my scared and lonely.

It's weird, I've done more this trip with music than I ever have in my life. I've taken more risk in exploring all parts of this life. I've risked losing money by moving on to new towns instead of staying in certain areas that treated me well, I've lived out of my car saving money instead of living in hotels, I've spent a lot of money on therapy using the money I've made to pay for it....basically I'm starting to fully embody this life. I've learned and written many songs on the road. I've practiced music, I've cut down on most every addictive pattern in my life. I've gone to the gym most days, read several books, showered in the gym, pissed on plants out in public when I couldn't make it to the bathroom, given money away to strangers, received money from homeless people, given gifts and have had a lot of support from the people I've met. The message seems to be one of transcendence, and purification of consciousness. I may not like the place I'm in at the moment. I may feel insecure, and alone but so many wonderful things have come out of this place. I guess that needs to be noted.

If I had to put a finger on what exactly is happening....I would say it's a potent blended cocktail of an extreme trauma response, grief, and a spiritual emergency 120 proof. The bartender has shaken the shit out of these ingredients and has served them in a high ball glass without ice to me. I wake up with this drink waiting for me at my bedside each morning. I'm inebriated most hours of most days with the processing of an old life....and I'm exhausted. However music pulls me out of it even if it's just for minutes at a time. I can feel my brain freaking out, needing answers, closure, and to find the missing puzzle pieces that will finally complete the picture. When I play music there are moments when I rest and remember my essence, and then in the middle of a song I vanish, and am left in a panic trying to feel my way back home. Sadly, it doesn't come back. I'm now doing my best impersonation of Chris at his best. Kind of a weird experience to have...almost metaphysical.

I'm not sure when I'll return or be reborn. I can only keep going, riding the waves of insecurity, and numbness until something else embodies this body more permanently. I do know that this life on the road has made me a lot stronger. I've seen how little I need to thrive in this world. I can keep building on what I've learned out here so that the blessings are even more fruitful but I believe that just comes with experience. I'd like to share my dream in regards to this life but maybe that will wait until tomorrow. I do know it's possible to never work a day in your life and have abundance that you could never dream of. I know that I'd be happy playing music 40 hours a week, growing and stretching the limitations of what I thought was possible. I could live out of my truck the rest of my life if it meant getting to perform, and connect with people in this way. Everyday in every interaction, I can expand the boundaries of my human heart just a little more. Vulnerability, and authenticity have no limits....feels like a life devoted to exploring the solar system of the human heart.

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