12/8/2021 Three Weeks on The Road....

So I left Seattle in the middle on November and now its the 8th of December. I've played music in Boise, ID, Salt Lake City, UT, Las Vegas, NV, Scottsdale, AZ, San Diego, CA, Pacific Beach, CA, Carlsbad, CA, and Santa Barbara, CA. There's been an adjustment period in terms of finding comfort living out of my truck. Sometimes it can be difficult to find a quiet place to sleep. Darkness also matters a lot I've realized! I worry about being kicked out of a spot or having someone start messing with my car in the middle of the night. Neither one of those things has happened yet though. I've learned the fine art of pissing in a jug that I keep in the back of my truck. I've also learned how bad urine smells when it leaks into car fabric. Overall, I'm growing accustom to living simply and cozily in my truck. My memory foam mattress works really well and a sleeping bag is all I need to keep warm.

Aside from the logistical aspects of life on the road, I've learned a lot about what it takes to make this life possible financially. An average day earns me between 100-500 dollars. And I play 3-5 times a week. Saving money is really important. There are many ways I'm seeing that cut down on the cost of living and there are also costs that I can't avoid such as therapy, gas, and food. It helps that I don't drink alcohol, but I'm still spending more than I'd like on food each day. I've also spent a lot of money on cigarettes! Today is day 2 without them and I'm looking forward to seeing how much better I'll feel without them but also how much more money I'll have.

During this trip I've experienced panic attacks, anxiety so bad I couldn't sleep, or even function, depression, endless thought ruminations, suicidal ideation, relentless guilt, shame, and anger. I attribute a lot of this to the ending of a relationship that had a lot of toxicity, as well as the unresolved long term trauma of my childhood. I have felt at times like I was going insane....screaming in the car on the freeway towards LA, chain smoking myself into numbness, and questioning everything in my thoughts, my relationships, my family, who am I, what's real, why do I feel fucking insane, I JUST WANT TO REST!!!!!!, and feeling so fucking angry at the fact that I was in as much pain as I was. What has helped me through all of this maelstrom of emotional pain was getting my ass back out to play music again. I've played through the most extreme trauma responses and somehow outlasted my brains daily struggles. I've played from panic back into somewhat calmness every day. My brain says "Somethings wrong", or "You hurt people", or "People hurt you".......basically it goes back and forth between many incredibly traumatic things that have ACTUALLY happened but it's as if I'm reliving them again and again even though those people and events are not a part of my day to day.

It's been the people who have smiled, the people that have given me gifts, the people that have cried, the people that have mirrored back to me my goodness..........all of whom have helped heal me along the way. In the place I've been in emotionally, people can still experience me in a loving way even if for a moment. It's been grown men, babies, older woman, women who I'd love to date, teens, the homeless.....somehow what I'm doing has affected people in such a way that it becomes a universal experience. Even the people who look at my like I'm insane are still touched by what I'm doing, it's just that they're having a negative experience which is fine too.

I'm 3 weeks into a life that I'll soon embody for the long haul. I have 1 more week out here and then am heading home to Seattle for a week or so before coming back down to California to live this lifestyle for good. I've been through a lot but it all seems to be a purging of an old life and the welcoming in of a new one. Facing all my shit head on while still trying to play music with an open heart. My computer just freaked out and I thought I lost all of these words....meltdown avoided momentarily! I'm currently in a coffee shop in Santa Barbara and have a few more hours until I play again today. I feel scared, worried about other things that feel looming in my life, and it all feels like too much. But I'm sure that tonight will find me in a similar place just playing music and working through whatever comes up.

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