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2/12/2022 Vancouver, WA


Today, I made my way north to the border of Oregon and Washington to the town of Vancouver, WA. There’s a Central Park in the middle of the town that I figured would be a good place to set up and play. I’ve passed through this town a few times without playing music but today I decided to have a go. The sun was out and the temperature was good enough to play. There’s been a heaviness that I’ve experienced within myself and today was no different. I felt tired, lonely, and a bit insecure. I wonder if anyone can tell, I wonder if it makes a difference to anyone watching. I feel sensitive and I guess that’s all that matters. Sensitive within and sensitive without. There’s an experience of wanting to not feel so heavy but just having to have that happen while also doing this thing called music. It’s an internal battle of yes and no, of thoughts coming and going, of focusing on myself, and then others. I can feel a wanting to be present and drifting in and out of that state.

Today the music felt easy and then not so easy all within seconds of each other. My heart was tense and then sad, and then scared. I played though, played through all the aches and pains of my soul trying to accept it all as ok. I don’t feel like a winner today, just tired and alone. Sometimes I hate how hard it is to function let alone get out and do something that is vulnerable. Again, I’m not sure anyone notices but I notice and feel it all. Pretty wild experience; this human life. Today felt like another day in the life of a person and a musician. I wonder if what matters is the acceptance of it all. Can I love the sadness, the fear, the loneliness, the grief? Today was harder than yesterday…I can feel myself fighting this place, fighting what’s already here. This is just another wave to surf but man is it fucking difficult sometimes. I question what I’m doing, question where it’s all going, and question what the point of it is. Will I get to a place where there’s more consistent ease? I have experienced that at times but it’s been a long while, and I really want to find that place again. Admittedly, I was somewhat there yesterday. It’s weird to watch it come and the disappear from day to day. Today was just harder. Again, it didn’t effect my performance but it was just a deep welling of sadness and fear. Makes me sad to see myself going through that experience and all the thoughts that arise with it. It shakes me in a way that leaves nothing but insecurity. The feeling is one of bodily dysregulation. It’s a ping in my stomach, an ache in my legs, and a heaviness in my being.

I’m always proud of myself when I play even when it hurts. I’m proud of my fearlessness, my drive, my courage, my kindness and my desire to do good in this world. Today was a day where holding on to that seems important, maybe the most important. This is such a weird time in the world and despite feeling things on a huge level, I somehow will myself to practice, and play. I strive to keep pushing the envelope of what’s possible within and without. The fear, I suppose, represents another edge that can be softened, another place to grow even when it doesn’t feel like that in the moment. Today perhaps that’s the only lesson. I’m proud of getting my ass out there, making shit happen, and being a witness to the unbearable beauty and heartache of each moment. Today wasn’t about money, or reactions. The more I play, the more I realize it‘s all about presence and the alchemization of fear to heart over and over and over again. To be continued……..


Side note…I bled all over my guitar today. My fingers were dry and it was just cold enough that they started cutting against the strings. Feels like a rite of passage or another rung on ladder of being a musician. Happy to have arrived :)


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