2/14/2022-2/21/2022 Portland,OR to San Diego

Updated: Feb 22

I left Portland, OR a week ago setting out for southern California. I had a loose itinerary that I knew was going to change given the place I’m currently trying to navigate internally. My first stop was Chico, CA. I stayed in a nice airbnb for a few days while I rested and got my bearings straight. I thought about playing music in Chico, but there really wasn’t a place for it so I mostly just used the time to practice and gear up for the next stop which was Sacramento, CA.

I can’t really describe what the last few months have been like emotionally. I’ve been dealing with something that has most days left me feeling insane to a degree. The further I’ve looked into what’s happening, the more it aligns with what’s called a spiritual awakening. Often times this is brought on by a traumatic event that leaves the person involved seeing the world through a very different lense. To sum it up the best I can, my experience each day is that that feels like a roller coaster of immense fear. I have trouble ordering food, speaking to people, resting, driving, and simply being in the world. Every action, every thought I do or don’t take is met with so much fear energy around it. It leaves me in a constant place of anxiety and not knowing which way to turn in order for things to calm down.

I’m scared to be nice to people, I’m scared to not say anything at all, I’m scared all the time. It feels as though all the traumas of my life and the energy associated with them are now all coming to the surface of my physical existence and I’m left to feel it all. My ego keeps trying to get me to take action in order for things to feel better but I rarely ever do because there’s always something more I’m supposed to do and it never ends. The only thing that feels manageable is to do nothing at all. Not express my inner turmoil to anyone. I watch as my ego fights all day wanting things to be a certain way. When I do nothing about it, I’m left to sit in a storm of physical and mental anguish that drives me to the brink. There will be calm for moments and then a thought will come in about something I did or didn’t do, something I could have done differently, what I should do in order to feel peace etc. like I said though, I don’t do anything. I just sit and watch it all happening. My ego throws an enormous temper tantrum, threatens me about my demise and then sends me very difficult energy that I’m supposed to deal with. It takes everything just to sit still and watch it.

The ego is a funny thing. We have all these preferences, all these desires, that we think make up who we are, we think keep us safe, and we think allow for us to function in the physical world. I’m getting to a place where there‘s a decision to let go of all of it. Why is it bad to not fall prey to every desire of the mind? And who’s doing the talking anyway? Am I the voice commanding me to do all the things it tells me to do, or am I the space that allows that voice to exist while calmly not entertaining any of it? If I don’t entertain it, than what am I supposed to do? It feels like there’s no purpose, plan, or. desire in this place. Just a conscious choosing to accept the present moment. I have no identity, because I am everything. Today, I choose to sing, tomorrow, I could talk speak in tongues, walk around naked smoking cigarettes. I’m not sure anymore whether there’s duality in this reality or if it’s all just a manifestation of the ego.

So what’s the point? What I’m describing may sound a lot like nihilism but that‘s not where this is leading. There’s a path of heart, a path of calm, a path of surrender and acceptance for what is. Nihilism feels empty while this other path feels divinely guided. Perhaps there’s no end goal in the second path but to choose to open over and over again to everything that arises. I’m in the middle of all this watching my mind write this out and even this feels strange. It’s perhaps a journey beyond words, beyond a destination, and simply being.

There‘s a lot happening internally as you can see. The only thing that keeps me somewhat grounded during this experience is music. However, it takes everything to be with my internal experience and set up to play. My brain feels like it’s on fire, my body is so tired and scared, paranoid even. I want connection so bad and it triggers me. I like to hear from people via social media and it scares me. Do I say anything, or not? Will they be hurt if I don’t? I used to look at people for long periods of time while I played. It’s really hard to feel all that I do and hold that space with another human. And….Theres a constant attempt on my part to surrender to all of it. The fear, sadness, anger, shame, rage, happiness, presence; it all gets a seat at the table. It gets so overwhelming most days but “Once more into the breach dear friend”.

I digress about this for now and I continue to share what else is here as time goes by. Needless to say, I made it to San Diego yesterday after having played in Santa Cruz over the weekend. It was a special experience. I watched people, and my internal state for 6 hours as I played. I felt everything in that span of time. I opened the best I could to what was arising. I played songs through immense shame, fear, heartache, lonelines, lust, addiction urges, openness, kindness, presence and even a little joy. People came and went and we often connected. I was supported in many ways and super thankful for those who stopped by and for again for having the courage to open up and get out there.

This week I’m in Southern California playing all around San Diego. I may take today off to just sit with all the energy that’s here…or not. We‘ll see. I have a bunch of new songs to unwrap and just need a little boost getting back out there. One day at a time, feels more like one hour at a time. Here‘s home for the next several days:

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