2/22/2022 Pacific Beach, CA

Today‘s weather had a little bit of everything but rain was the common theme. I got my gear together around noon today and headed out to Pacific Beach here in southern California. Pictured above is the boardwalk where I’ve played many times. There’s this belief that I’ve been challenging which is that it’s only possible to play music when the suns out. There’s something a lot more vulnerable to busking during cloudy days. That said, it felt important to try and play anyway. So I did. The wind was blowing like crazy; one minute it was cloudy the next sunny until finally after about an hour I got caught in a downpour. It’s one thing to not care if I get wet. It’s a whole other issue when my equipment gets wet. So I ended up leaving after a short set.

With this music thing, there so much to learn to let go of, just as in life. Not all notes have to be perfect, not all songs have to flow in the same way, there’s no wrong way to do it. There’s a constant letting go of what it is I think I’m doing and how I believe it will effect others. Yes, there is someone playing music and someone listening or not listening. What to seems to matter most is the presence in which I play. Am I rejecting where I’m at internally or accepting it? It doesn’t matter what the day looks like outside, how people perceive me or really anything else. It only matters the degree to which I’m accepting my internal state. some days the whole experience will be filled with hate. But it’s not hate I project outwards, it’s hate I’m forced to notice and be with as uncomfortable as that feels. This came up today. I felt tight, scared, and shameful. But there’s a space between those feelings and the witness to those feelings. I watched myself as I played song after song feeling pretty uncomfortable. I saw and felt loneliness, unworthiness, shame and fear. And I also saw the witness to it all who was holding the experience but not identified with it. Was it difficult and painful? Yea. But there was something really important happening which was: learning to feel it all with compassion. There’s no hating away feelings. There’s only acceptance and surrender to them. I don‘t wish I only ever felt happy. I only wish that I can continue to hold more and more compassion for all states of emotion. While I don’t feel this way when I’m in the thick of it all, I definitely do when I take a step back and observe how much those states of feeling can offer me. They’ve made me more kind, more aware, more empathetic, and more loving towards myself and others.

What I’m trying to do here through music is really open myself up more and more to letting go of who I think I am, who I think I’m supposed to be, and what I think I need to be doing. On this journey there’s a never ending path towards simply being. There’s no judgment left, no right or wrong. There only existing sans the the endless beliefs of the collective consciousness. Theres no mistakes in music, no wrong notes, no right word….there’s really nothing left. Simply, a choosing to play and a learning to love however that’s expressed and whatever that brings up internally. There‘s so much to learn from days like today when “nothing seems to go right”. I put that in quotations because of the conditioning I experience which tells me that as a person, things going right looks one way. What if today was just as important and beautiful as the days where there’s no inner strife? What if there’s just as much love and abundance in the trance of fear as there is in its opposite? What if every experience can be held tenderly and that each has something profound to teach?

I played music for a little over an hour today. Each song that was played was difficult to finish. I sat with myself as it was all happening and said “This too, breathe, it’s ok”. Over and over again. I watched the parts of me that were recoiling, wanting to quit, screaming that something was wrong. And I breathed through all of it. There‘s something here that needs a lot of love. More than anyone else could ever give me. So while I gear up to play again tomorrow, I recognize that I may again be confronted with sensations that stir up a lot. And that’s a good thing. It means that I’m learning to love one more part of myself :)

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