This last week has been filled with many blessings: the hundreds of people that supported both with their hearts and their ears, the financial support given in such unexpected and beautiful ways during each stop, the smiles, the photos, the videos, and the thanks received from so many.
I’m tired admittedly. I’ve played close to 30 hours or more of music in the last week and have to dig deep to figure out how to navigate this emotional space while still playing. I have enough though. Enough money to get me all the way through to Texas which will be the next main state to navigate. I’ll be there a few months with the intention of exploring as many towns and cities as possible.
Some of the songs I play have been with me for longer than 10 years. You’d think I’d be tired of playing them but truthfully it’s only my relationship to them that changes. It’s like watching a child grow. There are new and interesting ways to relate to them all if I‘m open to it. I’d like to think I remain connected to them all but not always in the same way. Some songs bring out feelings that are thought I navigate but then that feeling changes again the next day.
I don’t play anymore with the expectation that a certain song will land with anyone in particular but more so with myself. Sometimes I get bored or anxious playing a song that I’ve played for a long time but it’s only because I what I perceive externally to be happening. I imagine someone has heard me play the same song a lot and is tired of it. Again this is only a story and one that doesn’t really hold any clout but when I’m tired and shaky those are the kind of thoughts that’s come up.
It‘s taken a long time to switch from being externally focused to internally focused when playing music. It’s been hard to let go of wanting people to like what I do. It’s been hard releasing control over any of it. It’s a wondrous thing to keep experiencing doubt and fear even so long into the journey. It’s not the same as when I started but just a continuous unraveling inside.
I don’t worry so much about playing songs that are less upbeat anymore. These songs move me in a certain way and the vulnerability I feel when I play them is a big part of why I do. I digress though.
This last week took me up and down the coast of southern California. I made several new stops along the way including: Mission Beach, Huntington Beach, and Newport Beach. I didn’t really know what to expect and in fact I did my best to let go of any expectation at all. Truth was that each stop offered me a lot of gifts. Yea I was scared to be in a new place but that went anyway. I’m glad I did. This part of the country is a haven for this lifestyle. It’s been incredibly supportive. It will also be tough saying goodbye and again jumping into the unknown.
I haven’t decided exactly when I‘m leaving but sometime in the next few days. It’s raining today (Saturday) but I’m hoping there’s a window for a few more sessions to be had. Thank you to all that have stopped by and offered your support in whatever way you have.
*Huntington Beach Pier
*Newport Beach Pier