5/2/2022-5/4/2022 Houston, TX

I landed back in Houston this past Monday. Having spent the last several months in Austin and having it become pretty routine, I decided to step back out into the unknown. There have been stops along the way that have been very consistent financially, and spiritually. It’s so nice to get in the groove of showing up and being met with abundance each time I play music. Austin has been a stop like that. It’s not like I’ve ever needed to make a ton of money but there’s a comfort in making a certain amount. Over time I get used to it, put the left overs in the bank and then repeat it over and over again. It’s an amazing life. There’s a freedom that comes from just showing up and having things work out over and over again, sleeping, working out, and then getting up and doing it all over again.

Several times now I’ve stepped away from what was consistent to purposefully put myself in situations where there was a lot more unknown. There comes a point where making “easy” money is no longer the driving force, or even a force at all. There seems to be some sort of conditioning in humanity that believes that if I have this amount of money, I’m worth something, I’ll have security, and feel better about who I am. In the last few months I have been sought out for private events and a question that always comes up is how much of you charge? Combing through my head for an answer hasn’t been easy and there isn’t a number that jumps off the shelf. I think that that’s because the money isn’t the thing that drives me or gives me value. It’s a part of this whole thing for sure but it isn’t the biggest part. In case you’re wondering I charge people anywhere from 500-200 dollars an hour sliding scale. That may seem like a lot but it’s doesn’t really feel like it means much to me.

To put it all in perspective, yes I’ve had consistent weeks in Austin where I’m taken care of financially. However, each new town brings an uncertainty. Since leaving Austin on Monday I haven’t made much at all. Houston had a few places to play but it was really hard to find somewhere where there was foot traffic, and enough space to feel comfortable. The place I did find that was perfect, I was asked to stop playing with amplification and with my case open.

Again, I don’t want to emphasize money too much. However, it is scary when you only have a certain amount and you rely on making some in order to keep a trip alive and to be able to get home. I have money saved that I don’t wish to touch. At this moment I have about 13 dollars left. I think the pint of what I’m trying to say is that this challenge is one I’ve wanted. Without consistency and having days where I hardly make anything, can I weather that storm emotionally and keep trying no matter how little I have to eat, how much money I have for gas. It brings up a lot of fear for sure. How will I get home? What if I can’t eat today? There’s a whole list of stories that come up that are really enticing to give attention.

like I said though, this was something that I knew would come up and something that I wanted to come up believe it or not. What would it be like to experience not having anything and having to play from a space of complete surrender to this state of being? It’s easy to play music or to live when your basic needs are taken care of. It’s another thing to have to bring compassion and acceptance to yourself when your backs against the wall or your just very. uncomfortable. These are the exact feelings I wished to experience and this trip has shown me what it feels like to be in this position. I am scared, nervous, anxious. But is it possible to open to all of these feelings with grace and faith? This is the work that I care about more than making money. Yes, it’s terrifying knowing that I don’t have enough even to get home but it can also be liberating if I allow myself or open up to the fullest extent of my fear. The worst case scenario is that I’m stuck in Galveston, TX with no way of getting home and without the comforts I’ve been used to.

But what if I don’t need to eat out, and instead can scrape some quarters together for an apple or two? What if I don’t need coffee or cigarette? What if I don’t need anything and can actually live off of next to nothing? Isn‘t that creating more internal freedom, and isn’t that really the point?

It‘s Thursday here in Galveston. I played yesterday and made enough for a little gas and a cheap meal from Target. There’s a chance I make nothing today! And there’s a chance that everything will be ok and that if I surrender to this experience, no matter what I’m coming out ahead.

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